Praying for Andie Grace

Dirty Ghetto Kids(DGK) signing and demo

2011-07-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

On Friday July 15, 2011. Happy Birthday Pa Pa Bill! We went to the DGK signing and demo. Sienna & I waited in line for over two hours to get these signatures fo my baby boys. Boston was practicing skate boarding and having a blast with his friends and some of the pros that were out there at the skate park. Four hours later I was exhausted and we got all the signatures. Again, the picture of Boston sitting next to the guy is Chris Cole. ( Mommys Favorite) It was fun. It was awesome to see all the kids so excited and having a good time.

Thanks COWTOWN and DGK you guys are awesome!

Bostons 8th B DAY (Street League 2011)

2011-07-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

We had a small gathering with Morgans family and some friends on Bostons actual birthday.Then we went to Street League for Bostons birthday this year. This is the first year in the last three years that we have been in AZ for Bostons birthday. It was very cool, and yes mommy loved Chris Cole. Oh yes, and by the way we were on TV on Sunday for the finals on ESPN.

Of course we had to do the skateboard park in TN 2011

2011-07-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

Trip to Tennessee Summer 2011T

2011-07-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

This summer the boys and I decided to go se my family in Tennessee. The funny part about it is my my said I will pay for if, can you guys leave right away? So two days later me the boys, and the two dogs drove 2000 miles across country by ourselves. It was fun and boring at the same time. We stopped at many rest stops and cracker barrels as we could. We even saw a huge butterfly and my boys said mom look its Andie. SO we have our Angel in the vacation pics too. It was so nice to get the kids together. We went to our first MOOFEST!!!!! HEEEE HAAA When we were at the MooFest, my nephew Chance had a yellow ballon and said it was Andie. So he let it go, and it was the sweetest thing. We went and hike Fort Louden, and then the kids jumped in the river. We all had a blast.

So Much To Say!!!!!!

2011-07-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

It has been so long, and I have so much to talk about.

First of all back in April I had hysterectomy. It was very hard emotionally, but I realized it needed to be done. I had come to the conclusion that Andie Grace was meant to be my last baby I deliver. When I delivered Andie I delivered a grapefruit size bllod clot before Andie. The doctor thought thats why her heart rate kept dropping. he thought it was part of the placenta. NOPE! It was a blood clot. The placenta was fully intact. After Andie was born, I bled for six weeks, and it was nothing but walnut size clots. They kept saying it was stress related. Even a year after Andie passed a little better, but still the same. At this point, Duane and I had gotten divorced and I was thinking I was just getting older. So I did it. It was my first surgery ever, and it sure did hurt at first.I have a high pain tolerance, but when the wheeled me to my room it was all a blur. I just remember asking the nurse why he woke me up? I told him I didnt feel an pain when I was still asleep. LOL!!!! Then I was going to puke. I never did but I sure felt like it. Once the nurse gave me some medicine, it was back to night night. I never complained though. I just could not get over how dry my mouth and lips were. That was making me crazy. But I made it and went home two days later. Thank you to my dad for coming out to help me and the boys. Also, a thank you to all for the wonderful meals and beautiful flowers. I have wonderful family and friends. I love you all.

Here are some awesome pics my dad took of me post op. I wanted some pre op for my post, but oh well.

Please Don't Tell Me

2011-05-26T22:51:00.000-07:00

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my daughters in a better place,
Though it is true, I want her here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say Andie's name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friends and family please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

In Memory of Andie Grace

We can't wait to hold you again!

2011-05-25T22:08:00.001-07:00

".....Heaven's kindness will never depart from you, regardless of what happens......Bad days come to an end, faith always triumphs, and heavenly promises are always kept."

--Jeffrey R. Holland--

Congratulations Chelsea! 2011 ASU Grad!!!!

2011-05-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

I always said I wanted Andie to be just like her big sister Chelsea. Chelsea is a very good girl and student. On that note she graduated today with HIGH honors from ASU. I am as well is all her family very proud of her.Today is also the dreaded Friday the 13th. Andie passed away 26 months ago today. It stinks that the boys always relate this date to Andie's death. Its another one of those bitter sweet days.

Chelsea, I know your sister knew you were there to see her. I always told her and your family I hope she was like you. I know your sister is flying around you and smiling so proud as you walk up to get that diploma.

Congratualtions and good luck to your future.

Love,

All of us

XOXOXO

Beanie Baby Drive March 2011 "Happy Birthday Andie"

2011-05-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

The church that me and the boys go to (CCV) had a Benaie Baby drive in honor of Andie Grace. I hope to do it again at another event. I want to keep this legacy going for her. It was so cool, I got to speak to the crowd about how and what they use the beanie babies for. We had the banner made and I made a poster board so people would understand by the pictures. It was awesome to see the people stop and look and drop off the beanie babies. It was more awesome when people would come talk to me about Andie or the beanie scenairio. Thanks to all of you who helped and supported this event.

"I'm just Sitting Here Missing My Baby Girl"

2011-04-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

Angel Girl,

Boy do I wonder, who you would look like? If you would be a junk food junkie like your daddy? If you would be out playing with all your brothers and hold your own (Like your mom HA! HA!)? I Just miss you so much Angel.

Love,

Mommy

XOXOXOXOX

Miss you so much My Little Angel Peanut Girl!!!!

2011-04-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

]
Our Daughter, Andie Grace

The very first time we heard Andie's heart beat at only 8 weeks pregnant. The doctor was sooo shocked they found it that early.

It filled our hearts with so much love. But, when the doctors told

she had a calcification on her heart 11 weeks later, but not to worry. I knew from then on that something was wrong. Everyone

told me I was crazy because they assured us she would be just

fine. I hate to admit this, but as I told some of you I had the

hardest time attaching myself to my pregnancy because I

was afraid something was going to happen to her. I

wouldn't buy anything. I remember one day laying in

bed holding by precious baby and belly and telling her

I was so sorry for feeling that way. I told her I loved

her so much and couldn't wait to meet and see her. It

wasn't a matter of love or want , it was ALL FEAR.

So I then started buying and tried to get past my fear,

but it was always in the back of my head.Andie was

born on February 19, 2009 @ 7:02 pm. We had a long

labor because her heart rate kept dropping. Again,

the doctors and nurses assured us it was normal. Then

at one point I burst into tears and my doctor asked

what was wrong and I told him I knew there was

something wrong with her heart. He said no she

is fine. After Andie was born, she had a little

bluish tint, but then pinked up. They said her blood

sugar was low, she had a little heart murmur, and her

APGAR scores were 6 &7 (RED FLAG) but didn't know it. Other

than that she was doing ok. Little did we all know

that Andie Grace was fighting for her life. We took

her home on Friday pm. She cried a few times

through out the night, but I fed her and she went

back to sleep. I could tell the way she was crying,

something was wrong.I even told her daddy this.

By Saturday all she wanted to do was sleep.

She would not eat or anything. She looked a little

Jaundice. Finally after 9 hours of this, I called the

pediatricians office and they said get her to the ER ASAP.

I was freaking out about taking my brand new baby to the

ER because of all the germs. They told me to go in

and tell them I have a 2 day old non responsive baby and

they would come out and look at her. So I did , the nurse

said she looks a little grey bring her in. So her daddy went

to park and we went inside the ER. Right in the lobby they

made me take her foot out of her pj's and put the pulse ox

on her toe. The nurse said OMG she is only at 56% oxygen.

They grabbed a wheel chair told me to sit down with her

and raced us to a room. It was a bad dream. They took her

from me when we got to the room. They must of had 15

doctors and nurses around her. I was just bawling. I had no

idea what was going on. Then they did the ultimate thing

you only see on TV, they sent a Chaplain in to talk to me.

I said NO. She is not going to die. This is when the

nightmare began. They kept yelling intubation. I was

yelling tell me if your going to intubate. I knew that

was serious. While all of this was going on, Duane was

parking the car and then came in and asked where we

were at. They said the room number. While the nurse was

walking him there, over the loud speaker it said room ?

CODE BLUE. Duane said what does that mean? Heart stopped

the nurse said.Dunae said that is my daughters room.

So they walked a little faster of course. Then he walks

in the room to me bawling andthe Chaplain by me.

He looked an me and I just said

"what is going "? He just hugged me and didn't know what to say.

We both felt like it was all a bad dream.

I will never forget one of the NICU

nurses who kept giving me eye contact. Finally the

NICU doctor yelled ANYONE WHO DOES NOT NEED TO

BE HERE LEAVE NOW! I think all the interns, etc were

so excited to see a new baby to work on they all came.

After that, the great nurse grabbed my hand and said touch

your baby we have her stable. I kept saying I wanted her

up to the NICU. The ER doctor then told me I had to

give him permission to release her to the NICU. I signed

the papers, and away we went. It was just like a scene

from the show ER. The rushed her and us through some

back doors to the main elevators, made everyone in the

elevator get out and was waiting for us."Hold the elevator

for mom and dad" I couldn't walk very fast, because I was

full of stitches. I yelled go just go . We will be right behind

you, so they did. The neonatologist walked with us and then

explained what would go on from here. They were going to

run some tests to see if she was septic, sick with pneumonia,

Group B, RSV,etc, and a heart defect. When we got there,

so was the Chaplain. One of the sweet nurses asked us if

we wanted him to leave an we were like

YES PLEASE ANSD NOW! By this point they told

us they thought we would be in the NICU for at least two

weeks. So the planning started in my head for the boys,

because I was not leaving her alone. By around 10 pm that

night they told us she had one of two heart defects and

they hoped for the better one. But now we had a new

problem too. Her lugs had Pulmonary Hypertension.

They were not infected, they were big and not functioning

right because of the heart defect. They then told us we

would go to ST Joes to the pediatric cardiac unit. At first

by helicopter and then they felt they had her stable enough

for an ambulance ride. As scared as I was to go with her in the helicopter, it had to have been better than that rough ride.

So Sunday by noon we were on our way to St Joes. Dad and

Grandma Paulus followed the ambulance. I couldn't believe

when we walked through those double doors on that

7th floor ALL the babies with heart defects. They made

us step aside why they got her all hooked up and then

we all moved in. Believe it or not, it was a nice room. Day

two at St Joes hospital,( but Andie was for days old )they

finally had to do the inevitable. They had to put her on

a breathing tube. I was there by myself that early am

and crying my eyes out standing by her door. They brought

me a chair, I will never forget that.I felt like I was going

to pass out. They were trying to get her lungs down and

healthy before they fixed her heart problem. By 3pm on

her fourth day, they told us they were going to surgery

or she could die and they were going NOW !We had to

sign release forms. I talked and cried to her, told her to

please fight, told her to please get better so she could

wear all her cute new head bands, and we would lay in

bed eat and watch TV forever. I did try to remember

every wrinkle in her foot and hand just in case and

most of all I told her how much I love her. But I NEVER

said good bye. I just had something come over me that

said she was going to pull through this surgery. Even

after the jerk anesthesiologist told us on the way to

the operating room, you know she may not make it

through this. Well no **it!! Thanks! We let anyone that

was there to visit, see her just in case. We got to walk

her all the way to the surgery room. I talked to her

until the minute they wheeled her in the room. Finally

I don't remember how long it was , but shorter than

they said. The nurse came in the waiting room and

told us she was doing great and did not have to put her

on ECMO.( Lung and heart bypass) and would be back in

her room soon.Which all in all they should have put her on

ECMO so her body could rest and possibly heal fully. They

would not let us in her room until they got her all settled.

When we finally saw her, she looked sooo different. She

was so swollen because of all the fluid she was retaining

from the surgery. I thought she had down syndrome. The

nurses laughed at me even though I was serious. You can

see from the pics what I mean. She was on 14 to 16 IV

meds at once.She fought hard for a while and a lot of

the docs had no hope. Then finally she started responding.

We had finally turned that coner they said and what news

that was to hear. AMEN!

Andie continued to fight for her life, overcoming the impossible.

On Monday March 9th, they got her ready for her to be

extabated.

She did okay for a while. Finally they pulled it

out that pm.I got to hold her the next am for the first time

in two weeks.But don't think for a moment I didnt cherish

every finger hold,looks she gave me, books I read to her

and just looking and talking to her everday while she was in her isolate. But by the next pm, she wasn'tdoing well. They had to reintabate her and bag her a lot to keep oxygen in her lungs.

It went from bad dings from machines all night letting us know

she had a problem ,to us knowing she was doing good

and the ding were meds running low or her brest milk out,

back to us knowingshe was doing bad again. They tried

for that whole week by putting her back on meds she

passed to go off before.They tried by using meds in her

brething tube which they had never did before.When they

did this Grandma Paulus and I were the only ones there.

We went to the waiting room, because I was soo scared. The pulmonologist came in and said her numbers are up,but it

could be a shortlived celebration. We walked back in her room. Remember, they had her fully sedated and when we walked in she

opened and closed her eyes for a quick moment at fisrt I

thougt she was saying Im trying to fight mommy. But now

I think that was Good bye mommy , I love you. The only

thing I wish they would have done, is put her on ECMO,

which is lung and heart bypass and it would have given

her lungs and heart a full rest to heal. Lets just say we

fianlly had to have a meeting with the doctors on Thurdsday

the 12, 2009. Thats when they said they had calls into

other hospitals, and mentioned the meds in in her bretahing

tube. By Thursday midday, they put the meds in her tube

and she was sedated. Grandma Paulus and I were the only

ones there and we went to the waiing room, because I was

scared. They came in and siad her number swebt up, but it

could be short lived. They were right. She again was being

poked everywhere with new IVs wondering if one was

clogged and they had to keep bagging her to keep oxygen in

her lungs, By Friday am, I looked at Duane and cried and said

she can NOT suffer and go through anymore he agreed.

During Andie's final week…which was when they thought

she was doing well enough to take her off the ventilator.

It didn't go as planned…Andie's little heart and lungs…had enough.

We then had another meeting with the docs who said there was nothing else they could do. So we called our family in the

conference room and told them we were going to make her comfortable and it was time to recieve her wings.

The wings of honor.I had one rule, I wanted her room

packed and cleared out before we said our goodbyes.

We made phone calls and had all family and friends

come say goodbye. Then Duane and I asked everyone

to leave cause it was our time. We talked to her ,

told her we were sorry and how much we

love and would miss her. I don't know how I did it.

I aksed to change a diaper before she died.They let me.

I had my private time with her. Then Duane held her as

they gave her something to make her comfy. I sat next

to her and rubbed her hed and we just talked to her

until she passed. Then I asked to change her diaper agian

and get her dressed. We stayed another 2 hours just talking

and holding her, but we knew her soul was gone.

We fell in love the first time we heard that precious heart beat…

and ours heart broke into pieces when we sat there by her side and watched her heart beat…one last time.On March 13th, 2009, Andie went to Heaven and received her wings.

Her wings of honor.

We love and miss you so much baby girl

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

draft

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Girl!! XOXO

2011-02-19T21:40:00.000-08:00

Birthday Tributes to Our Special Angel

Our precious Andie,

Happy Birthday, little angel peanut girl.
Up to Heaven we send our love.

Two year's have gone by, it's hard to believe.
We saw you yesterday, or so it seems.

Our love for you still grows and grows.
An unchanging love, a constant flow.

This day you burn within our hearts.
A little miracle from the start.

We'll light a candle in your name.
And sing that birthday song the same.

But we'll sing it to the sky.
For you're alive, you did not die.

Happy 2nd Birthday Andie Grace.

We love you so much!

All our love to you,

Mommy & Daddy

Happy 2nd Birthday From Us All!

2011-02-19T21:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Andie Grace!

We waited so long for you. Although our time was brief together, you will remain in our hearts and souls forever. You will always be our miracle baby. We wish we could be celebrating your 2nd birthday with you but find comfort that you are in the arms of Jesus now. We love you more than words can say.

Love,

Your whole family

XOXOXOXOXO

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Girl!! XOXO

2011-02-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Andie,

Mommy can't explain the hurt I have every day without you in my physical life. I wish so bad I could go back to those 22 days we had together and wish they would NEVER end. I know you are having a wonderful birthday where you are at. I am sure you are with many special people too. I hope you have a wonderful 2nd birthday and many more to come. I know someday we will celebrate together. I just hope you hear me talk to you daily from my heart and soul. I put on a great act, but it kills me inside everyday that your not here. I love you so much my Little Angel Peanut Girl. Please always know and feel that.

Hope your day was the best.

Love,

Mommy

XOXO

Held by Natalie Grant - with Lyrics(Please turn off music at bottom of page first.) This song explains my feelings big time. Love Mommy XOXO

2010-10-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

"Andie Girl"

2010-10-13T06:27:00.001-07:00

Its so hard for me to believe that our Little Angel Peanut Girl recieved her angel wings 19 months ago today. I think about Andie everyday all day, but lately Im not sleeping good. All I do is wish she is with me in bed just holding her in my arms. I just want to see and hold her sooo bad. Dont get me wrong I love Brogan and Boston the same and I am sooo thankful that I have them here with me. I just wish they could play with their sister too.

On that note Boston is the one who usually gets up with me at the crack of dawn. He always hugs me I say good morning and he kisses my belly. So the other morning we did our normal morning ritual and after he kissed my belly, he asked me if Andie was ever going to come back? I told him maybe her spirit will come to us through a different baby. He said mom I want to have a baby brother next time. I said you do, why? Cause girls dont like to play war. (He is ALL about being in the Army right now). I said Oh really who was shooting you with the machine gun the other day? Oh yeah Sophia.Okay I want a sister again. Kids say the funniest things. Sophia is our adorable little neighbor who is two and I love her to death. Did I mention she has two older brothers too? Sophia is totally girlie until she plays with the boys, and believe me she can hold her own.We have all boys on this street but her. I think Andie would be so much like her.

The funny thing about Sophia is she is only two and everytime she plays with my phone or goes in the house and she can see a picture of Andie, she always points to her picture and says baby Andie. One day I was watching her and she pointed to Andie's picture on the wall and said baby Andie. I asked her where is baby Andie? She pointed to her picture and then pointed in the air and spun in a circle and said she is there. I cried and got goose bumps. They say little kids are very close to the spiritual side. I love her like she is my own. Thank you to her mom and dad for letting her spend so much time with me. I really believe Sophia helps me heal. Love you guys, thank you. XOXO

(This is a picture of Sophia. Isn't she a doll?)

Heart Poem... anonymous author

2010-10-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

Heart Poem...

It's a beautiful day up in heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus "I don't want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you". He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that she is just going for a visit. She is still not swayed on this idea.

So Jesus kneels down, and says, "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?" The angel smiles and says, "I guess that will work". But the little angel is still a little scared.

She asks,"Will I be okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies,"Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine." Then Jesus gives the angel more details about his plan. He says "When you are born, your mommy and daddy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart".

"Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh everyday." "And when its time to come back to heaven, whenever that may be, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves."

Andie's Journey (Go to the bottom of the blog to turn off the music first)

2010-09-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

Make a photo slideshow

We miss you sooo much baby girl.

2010-08-28T21:29:00.001-07:00

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while but their hearts... Forever."

Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever.

Understanding a mothers bond

2010-08-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

When a baby is born, it's the mothers instinct to protect the baby. When a baby dies, it's the mothers instinct to protect their memory."

" I am so missing my "Little Angel Peanut Girl".

2010-08-10T09:17:00.001-07:00

In this world we live in, experiencing the birth of a child is beyond any emotional understanding. We crave the excitement and milestones that are set from each passing day for nearly ten months until that child graces our presence away from the womb. Envisioning a perfect world with a perfect pregnancy is what many people live for, sharing their love and building a life that will once touch the lives of others. No one is ever prepared for trouble, no one is ever prepared for fear and no one is ever prepared for what God's plan is. We are prepared only to take what God has given to us and make it better through faith, hope and love.

"To Our Baby Angel Girl"

2010-08-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

Since I have had a lot questions about why I have not posted a lot anymore and what is going on with me, I have decided to fill you all in.

As most of you already know, Duane and I have decided to go our separate ways. I just want Andie to know that it has nothing to do with her and we both will ALWAYS love and miss her tons. Sorry if we let you down as parents. You are one of the best things that has ever come into both of our lives. We love you tons and always will.

Love,

Mommy

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Bostons 7th B DAY

2010-07-27T16:10:00.001-07:00

More pics from SF

2010-07-27T15:58:00.001-07:00

Our trip to San Francisco 2010

2010-07-27T15:48:00.000-07:00

The boys, Joanne , Emily, Maddy and I all went to San Franciso to see my dad and Lou for Boston's and my dads birthday. We had a really good time. The kids loved SF. Here are some pics to show you. I hope we can do it again soon. We love you guys tons.

Andie's Name in The San Francisco Sand

2010-07-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

2010-07-05T13:14:00.001-07:00

WHILE WE TRY TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN ALL ABOUT LIFE, OUR CHILDREN TEACH US WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT. ~ANGELA SCHWINDT ~

2010-07-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

A LITTLE GIRL CAN BE SWEETER (AND BADDER) OFTENER THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. SHE CAN JITTER AROUND, AND STOMP, AND MAKE FUNNY NOISES THAT FRAZZLE YOUR NERVES, YET JUST WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH SHE STANDS THERE DEMURE WITH THAT SPECIAL LOOK IN HER EYES. A GIRL IS INNOCENCE PLAYING IN THE MUD, BEAUTY STANDING ON ITS HEAD, AND MOTHERHOOD DRAGGING A DOLL BY THE FOOT. ~ ALAN BECK ~

I miss you baby girl!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-28T20:37:00.001-07:00

♥ God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered "come to me". With tearful eyes I watched you, and saw you pass away. Although I loved you dearly, I could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke my heart to prove to me he only
takes the best........Repost if you have a loved one in Heaven. ♥

Quick Post

2010-04-02T19:36:00.001-07:00

I know it has been forever since posted.I was going to on Andie's Angel Wing anniversary date, but I couldn't. I promise I will this weekend.

I want to take the time right now to thank a very special family.The Lawson family from Lewisville, TX. who sent a box full of Beanie Babies in honor of Andie's birthday to help keep her legacy going. We are sooo grateful for this. It amazes me how Andie touches other peoples hearts and in return people touch our hearts too. Thank you so much for thinking about Our Angel and our family. I would love to speak with you personally my email address is brookepaulus@cox.net. Then we can go from there to get in contact with each other.

Love to you all,

Brooke

Heart Poem

2010-03-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

A Year Ago Today

2010-03-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

A year ago today I was with my baby girl for my birthday and she was doing great. They were going to pull her ventilator out two days later if she continued on that path. She did and they did pull it out and thats when it all went south on her. My poor baby. I wish I could go back to a year ago and never end that time. On top of it, I would have fought harder to make them wait to pull her off the vent. God and Andie know I tried I could tell she wasn't ready, but ... they insisted that she was ready. Mother's intuition I guess. I'm sorry baby girl!!!!I really am. I love and miss you with every bit of everything in my body, heart, and soul.

Ever since Andie has passed, no lie we find little white, fine feathers in our house once in a while. To all that don'tknow us, we don't have any feathery friends. So whenever I find them, I always think and tell the kids that Andie is with us and letting us know she is okay. Well this morning I get a cup of coffee and go to walk across the street to see my aunt. Something caught my eye on my left sleeve, and there it was a little fine white feather. Happy birthday mommy I love you and am with you. Thats my story and I'm sticking to it. Thanks baby girl! I love you too! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

2010-02-20T08:59:00.001-08:00

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

2010-02-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

2010-02-20T08:48:00.001-08:00

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

2010-02-20T08:45:00.001-08:00

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

2010-02-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to our Little Angel Peanut Girl

2010-02-20T08:25:00.000-08:00

Andie Grace,

Your mommy, daddy, brothers, sisters, grandparents, anuts, uncles and all our other family and friends miss and love ou sooo much. I'm sure as your mommy that you are by our sides at all times and I'm sure as your mommy that you are having a wonderful birthday in Heaven with all your Angel friends and family that are with you. Please baby girl know and feel how much we love and care about you. Im sure you hear me talk to you and see me kiss your picture good night every night. Im sure you know how I wonder who you would look like, if you would be walking and talking and always wanting candy from your Daddy. God we miss you more than words can say. I hope you had a wonderful day. I hope you also felt and saw all the wonderful people around here that were laughing, crying, celebrating, and just wishing you were here. Baby girl we love and miss you so much and hope you had a wonderful First Birthday. I know someday we will celebrate life together. I know we will!!!! We love you with our all Angel.

Love ,

Mommy , Daddy and Family

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXO

Happy Birthday to our Little Angel Peanut Girl

2010-02-20T07:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry to you Andie and you all that I kept waiting for a post yesterday. I know I'm a day late to wish our litte angel peanut girl a Happy Birthday on her blog, but it was rough yesterday. The water works were flowing when I was alone or thinking, so I didn't have the courage to sit and write. I guess I was afraid too. I heard a song and cried, wrote a few sentences on facebook and cried, I talked to people and cried, I even got my hair done in the am and was bawling while sitting there letting my color process and getting beautiful phone calls and texts from people. I think the other ladies in there must have wondered what the heck is wrong with this lady? Baby Ethan's birthday was the day before Andie's, and I asked his mom what I should do to get through. She said stay busy. She was right, when I was busy I did better. On that note, my wonderful friends and family had a wonderful lunch in Andie's honor. It was so beautiful and definitley kept me busy. I really do have the best friends and family in the whole wide world. They gave me some beanie babies, flowers, stuffed animals, a gift card,a stepping stone, and a beautiful bracelet.The best gift of all was them being there with me and feeling their love for Andie, me and our family. I really wanted last night to be me and Duane alone spending time and talking about our Angel, but it didn't work out. I think we are going to do something today. Last night after the kids were all tucked in we did sit and talk about what we were doing a year ago at that time. It was around 8:30 pm, and Andie was born at 7:02pm. We were talking about our delivery day and how we were still in our delivery room and running tests on her blood sugar, etc. All the things that should have been RED flags and just remembering the moment. I was talking to Duane about how Andie slept on my chest all swaddled up for the first two nights and how much I loved that. I want to watch Andie's birth video again. I can't believe how much I hurt and ache. I know I hurt and ache daily, but it is really coming out lately. Thanks to my dear sweet husband for being sooo supportive. We couldn't get through it without each other. Duane, I want you to know that giving me Andie is the best gift you have ever given me and I thank you. I know I make you crazy sometimes (by always talking) but its not on purpose. Its just me and who I am.To me it shows how much I care, love, want to be loved, and want to be with you. I do love you very much and know we will get through whatever life brings us. If we can and are making it through this horrible tragedy in our lives, then we should be able to get through anything. The rest should seem simple compared to losing Our Angel. I love you and thank you. Thanks again to all of you for so much love and support. We love you all.

Love,

Brooke and Duane

XOXO

I love this poem

2010-02-20T07:24:00.000-08:00

To Mommy

I'm just a little baby girl
who didn't quite make it there.
I had to go be with Jesus,
but I'm waiting for you there.

Don't fret about me Mommy
I'm of God's lambs most blest.
I'd had loved to stay there with you,
but the Shepard knows what's best.

Many dwell here where I live
Waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow,
and their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet Mommy don't you cry
wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I got three weeks to stay there with you,
instead of coming here straight from your womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me
I'd have loved to brought it fame.
But if I'd linger in Earths shadows,
might instead have brought it shame.

Daddy gave me something for you,
It's our secret Mommy dear.
He pressed it tight against my forehead,
and whispered in my tiny ear.

I'll be waitiing for you Mommy,
Daddy and big brothers and sisters too,
I'll be waiting for you to hold me,
then Daddy's kiss I'll give to you.

Love,Andie

Andie's Birthday

2010-02-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

I know I have not posted in a loooong time. Its been rough. Yes, Andie's birthday is coming up on the 19th of this month. Anyway, Andie's walk has been postponed. We had a few glitches. I will update with the new date. One thing I would like to do, is keep Andie's Legacy going with the Beanie Babies. With Andie's birthday right around the corner, I would love to go to the hospital with a ton of Benaie Babies in honor of our Angel. So anyone who would like to donate them please feel free to do so. We have donated over a thousand in this past year. Thanks to all of you. It is so awesome for me to follow other Heart Mom's blogs or on our facebook accounts, and see Andie's beanies in the pictures with the babies. I feel that they have Andie's Angel with them at all times. Thanks so much for all your help and spreading the word.

Love,

Brooke

Andie's Angel Legacy

26910 N. 54th Ave

Phoenix, Az 85083

Video from the Heart Memorial at the hospital

2009-12-30T04:33:00.000-08:00

Angels Remembrance Ceremony [HQ]

by Jenna Miller (videos)

9:04 Added about a week ago

Heart Memorial

2009-12-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

Last night the hospital had a memorial just for the heart babies that have passed this year. I read a poem called I'll Lend You A Child. It was such a beautiful ceremony. The angel wings in the trees were soooooo moving and beautiful. Daradee (Liam's Mom) did a great job. I know everyone knows I'm not afraid to talk to anybody, but this is the first time I spoke in front of a crowd. I was second to last to speak and was a nervous wreck. I just kept asking My Little Angel Peanut Girl to please be by my side and give me courage. She did, it worked. It was very sad, but nice that all of us heart famalies were together to support each other. Even parents of heart babies that are still with us were there for support. You guys are more like family than friends. I love you all tons.I'm so glad we are all friends, just wish it was under different circumstances. Thanks everyone.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

Yes, Halloween was another one of those first holidays for us. My neighbors little girl who is as cute as a button came over in her little lady bug costume. I went Oh my goodness you look adorable then walked inside and cried. I just imagined how cute Andie would be in her first little costume. I know she has the most adorable costume right now. She is the prettiest Angel ever.

Happy Halloween Baby Girl!

Boston and Eric had fun this year. This is the first year Brogan did not want to dress up. I guess he is getting too old. (The big 10) now. Its getting weird the older they get. Lots of questions about holidays and what they mean, etc. Like is Halloween really evil? Is Santa real? Why do they have to grow up sooo fast? Why do parents ruin it for kids who then ruin it for other kids as well? I just don't get it!!!!!

Hope everyone had a happy and safe Halloween!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

2009-11-30T13:14:00.000-08:00

As you all probably know Thanksgiving was hard. I tried to avoid the thoughts, but by the end of the evening I was on Andie's blog reading old posts from when she was in the hospital, and broke down. I also put out all the Christmas decorations and couldn't help to think that last year at this time I was thinking Andie would be about nine months old and totally getting into the tree. Ugh!!!!! I hate all of this. We wish you were here baby girl. We all miss and love you tons!

The hospital had a memorial for all children that have passed away this year. It was very sad of course. I went up to say Andie's name in front of the church and light a candle for her and I started to cry and asked Andie to help me be strong. I kept asking for her to give me a sign she was with us. They did a slide show. It started with music and then the first most adorable picture ever (of course) was our Angel Girl.(Picture Above ) So Im sure your thinking it was in alphabetical order, it was not .(I thought it too) They were going from A to J and then back to E and so on. So in my eyes, this was my sign. Thanks for all the support from Daddy, Grandma, Chelsea and Joanne for being there. There is another memorial at the hospital only for heart babies on December 10 which I will be reading a poem. Please help me baby girl. Then there is one more through the funeral home this Sunday December 6. This is therapy for me. I want to do everything I can in Andie's honor.

I will post again about Andie's walk after I meet with Make A Wish this week. Hope eveyone had a good holiday.

Love to All,

Brooke

Andie's Birthday Walk

2009-11-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

I finally got a high school to donate their track to me for Andie's walk. It will be on February 20, 2010.Our charity will be Make A Wish Foundation. I will also have a tax ID number for everyone to have the write off. I will update with a registration form as soon as I get it all done. Thanks to Jennifer McNutt and Peoria High School for your generosity. This is HUGE!!!!!!!!! You guys are awesome.

Love,

Brooke and Family

P.S.

Happy 9 month Birthday Baby Girl!!!!!!

I Think This Would Be Good For Everyone To Read ( I Got This From Another Blog)

2009-11-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

Before I start my post tonight, I want you to sit back and really think about what I am saying here. You may be dealing with this in your life in one way or another and this could seriously help you make things better. It most definitely did for Aimee and I, and it really didn't take a lot of work to fix what had been broken.

Aimee and I know some people who are dealing with marital issues right now and this post is for them. Although, this information is also great for those who aren't having issues or don't think they are having issues as we all need to strive to be better people. You may find this helpful to share this to someone you personally know who may need to hear it.

A little while back, I posted briefly about Aimee and I were having some troubles in our marriage but that everything is back on track. I spoke about how my choices started to follow my feelings, which was completely backwards, causing me to swerve off track in my life. Just as Brent Riggs mentioned to me before, you can't lead with your caboose (aka feelings) or your engine (aka decisions) will run off the track in the wrong direction.

Whether or not Aimee or myself were at fault for the things we did to get us from point A to point B, I realized that the negative feelings were controlling my decisions. I didn't want to deal with the pain, the anger, the sadness and mostly, the fear of these negative feelings going on forever and ever. I wanted out! I wanted the easy route! I wanted to go where the grass was greener! I wanted to start over!

I wanted all these things because I was SELFISH! I made a promise to my wife when I asked her to marry me. I made a promise to my family when I married her and I made all these promises right in front of God. Oh, but a promise can be broken. Oh, but I will ask God to forgive me for this divorce and I promise not to do it again so that will be okay. Oh, but no one understands what I have to live with and life would be so much better if we weren't together. Oh, the kids will be okay and they will still get to see me. Oh, but I never loved her in the first place. Excuses! Excuses! Excuses!

I made all the excuses and I look back on them now and I was trying to convince myself only to make me feel better for the wrong thing I knew I was doing. Aimee may not be perfect and I may not be perfect, but I know that I was attracted to her enough to ask her for her number. I knew that I once laughed for hours without a single argument. I knew that I once tried to go out of my way to impress her so she would think I am not like all the other men. I knew that I once told her I loved her and I felt the love in my heart when I said it to her without being forced. I knew that I once couldn't wait to spend every waking hour with her, cuddle with her, and give her long, wet kisses that beat all the motion picture awards for "Best Kiss."

Most importantly, I knew that I wanted to spend forever with her when I got on my knee and asked her to marry me. I knew that I wanted to share forever with her when I agreed to have a child that I would have to help raise as a team. So, for making negative excuses against all of this love I knew I once felt was completely letting my feelings run my decisions.

When I wake up in the morning, I brush my teeth, wash my face and put on some deodorant. I do this because it is a routine for me, but mainly because I don't want to completely scare away my clients with goops of eye boogers, rotten breath that stinks just as bad or worse as the onion patch growing under my arms. Not everyone, including myself, really enjoys doing any of these routines, but we do it anyway. My point is that we are choosing to do something regardless of how we feel about it and not to mention that we probably have a lot more people who like us because we do it.

The whole point that I am getting at, which turned my life right-side-up, is that I chose to do something that wasn't led by my feelings and wasn't really what I "felt" I wanted to do at that time. I know God put us together for a reason and He wouldn't let two souls get married if they weren't supposed to be married. Besides our salvation, marriage is one of the most important things. I made many decisions in my life that I felt were right and maybe some of them were wrong, but we NEVER make the wrong decision to marry someone because we love them.

To give love, you must feel love. If you resist being selfish, forgive easily, know this world is not perfect, and go out of your way to do the right things for your husband/wife, that lost feeling of love will find its way home very quickly. God gave us this greatest gift for a reason and it was not to be selfish and love ourselves only to make ourselves feel happy, but to love others unconditionally so that they can see and feel how amazing this gift truly is.

I had moved out and I had started over. I felt the world was a better place for making the decision that I did and my life felt like it was going in the right direction, but the devil is so deceiving. I am not ashamed to speak my faults to the world, but I was dead wrong.

Aimee and I are happier now than ever before. We understand each other more for having gone through this. We both show each other love and respect, and now we go out of our ways to mold our lives to fulfill each others needs.

Summing it all up in to 3 parts:

1. Remember that you once made a decision to be married because you loved one another or you were at least attracted to each other at some point to engage in a relationship.

2. Lead with your choices and your feelings will follow, but of course you have to make choices that are with a pure heart and without sin.

3. Know that you are not perfect and neither is your spouse, but forgiveness is key and you must give love and respect in order to receive love and respect. You can never give love and respect to your wife/husband/children with a selfish heart that focuses on your own feelings.

Aimee and I will be praying endlessly for those who are struggling to fix their marriages. Just know that we are not experts in anyway, shape or form, but that we love you all and we pray that we were able to help you with our situation in one way or another.

God made men a special way in a "blue" color and woman a special way in a "pink" color that when you join them together it makes purple. Purple is the color of royalty and a husband and wife are joined together in God's beautiful image. There was no mistake when He blessed us with marriage, so leading with God as our engine, the caboose will always be on track. Let your feelings follow your choices!

Brent, thank you for giving me the best advice and allowing me to use it to help others. You are a blessing to me and my family.

God Bless,

Results To My Blood Work!

2009-10-30T20:34:00.001-07:00

I got a call from the doctor today about my blood work that I had posted about. Well, I have good and bad news. The good news is there is nothing wrong and the bad news is there is nothing wrong with me. I guess she was right, ALL my symptoms are related to stress. HMMMMMMMM!!!!! They checked my thyroid, hormones, complete blood count, and cholesterol. So I'm going to go back to excercising, I have started my vitamins again, and no more coffee. I started drinking coffee again after Andie passed away. My therapy I guess. Hopefully this will get me semi back to normal. If there is such a thing for me. HA! HA! People have been asking, so I thought I would let you all know. Wish me luck!

Brooke

Results To My Blood Work!

2009-10-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

More pics from Labor Day

2009-10-29T18:12:00.001-07:00

Labor Day!!!!!!!

2009-10-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

I forgot one fun thing we did this Labor Day. We went to the JW Marriott Resort. Fran and I went on Friday am for a little R & R. Then Duane brought the boys in the afternoon. We just relaxed and swam all day. Then on Saturday it rained and rained. The boys and I still had some fun. It was Nicelodeon Weekend, so we went to see Sponge Bob, Dora and went to the Nickelodeon activities. Boston and Eric got picked to go up and play the slime game. That was cute. The high light of Brogan's weekend was to see ALL the cool cars. We all know how he is about cars.Then Saturday afternoon I took the boys and Fran home so my lovely husband and I could spend some well deserved time together. It was nice to have dinner and then relax in our HUGE beautiful suite. It had a huge sun deck too. On Sunday, I took Duane back and the boys and I went and swam for a while and then came home. It was a good fun break for our family.

More Beanies!!!!!!!

2009-10-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, I finally took the Beanie Babies from Auntie Kelly's church and the ones from Mrs. King's mom to the hospital. It is so awesome that people are still helping us keep Andie's legacy going. I also want to thank Heather Houston for dropping by the adorable Beanie the other day. That one I'm keeping for myself. Thanks so much to all of you for thinking of us still. The hospital is very grateful and so are we.

Love to all,

Duane,Brooke, & Andie

Please go to older posts to see the post that goes with these pics!!!!

2009-10-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, more pics!!!!!

2009-10-29T11:25:00.001-07:00

Scarlett Update

2009-10-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

Scarlett is out of surgery and doing well. You can get on her blog to see how she is doing. Her mom is really good about posting updates and pictures.

I have some catching up to do with my posts, I'm waiting for my pictures to be down loaded to my computer. I will post tomorrow.

Brooke

Quick Post

2009-10-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

We are following another baby on Andie's blog, Baby Scarlett. We met in the hospital waiting room during Andie's surgery. They came in, we started talking and she was telling me that her baby was supposed to be in surgery right now but they had a n emergency surgery take her place. I looked at her and said Sorry, but Thanks. It was us that took her surgery spot. Scarlett is a few days older than Andie. She is doing VERY well, but today is a BIG surgery day for her. Please pray that she will do well, for her family to have strength, and for the doctors and nurses wisdom through all of this. Here blog is heartbabyscarlett.blogspot.com.

I will post again tomorrow.

Brooke

Picture of Statue at the Hospital

2009-09-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Here is the best picture I could find of the statue. It's hard to see, but I think you guys can get the idea.

Thanks,

Brooke

We miss you sooo much baby girl.

2009-09-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

It is so hard to believe that it has been six months ago today that our Baby Angel Girl received her wings. I feel at such a loss of words. Everyone knows how much we miss her and hurt. I know Andie knows how much we love her, miss her and hurt that she is not here with us physically. I have a very moving story to tell though. Some people may think this is all crap, but its not. I have been back to working out like a crazy women. By the way it is a lot harder to tighten up your tummy after three kids and 37 then it was after two kids and 32. Ha!Ha!Ha! Anyway, I try to break up my running days by running/hiking the mountain. When I get to the top there are two rocks side by side. I sit on the big one and I put my water bottle on the little one for Andie's spot. I always talk to her and pray. This one day I looked up in the sky to talk to her, and there were some clouds. I happen to be VERY emotional while I was running and when I got to the top I was sitting there crying in my hands and talking to my Angel Peanut Girl and thanking God for making her better. When I looked up at the sky the clouds were in the same formation as the satue in front of St. Joseph's Hospital. I could see that statue out our window and every time we went outside and back in. Whenever I saw it, I prayed that he would lift Andie up and heal her so she could go home. Well guess what, he did. So back to my clouds, I looked around to see if anyone was around with a camera phone, etc. When you hike at one in the afternoon, there is not a real big crowd. I knew nobody would believe me. I put my face back in my hands and lost it again. When I looked up the formation was back to being a bunch of clouds. So I cried the whole run down. I finally quit by the time I got home. Duane asked me how my run was? I said good and just lost it. He probably thought I was losing it. Wondering why I was crying about exercise. Then I told him. Even if nobody believes it, I know what I saw and I know what I believe. I believe it was Andie and Gods way of letting me know Andie is OK and in REALLY good hands. I even said to God that day I know I want Andie here for selfish reasons, but thank you for making her not hurt, and healthy again. The other hard struggles other than the whole situation is I try to analyze everything that I could or should have done differently or to fight more for procedures, medicines, etc. I know I voiced my opinion every time there was rounds, but maybe I should have said more. I was being educated along with the process to, but I knew my mothers intuition was always right. They did listen to me sometimes, and it worked but other times they didn't. I knew they should have not let her off the vent so long and struggling the way she was. I'm certain that put her lungs back into a tail spin. I begged and pleaded but they are the doctors and make the final decisions. Believe me if I knew how to reintabate her, I would have the first sign of her struggling. I just hope Andie knows I did fight for her. They say a mother will always be a tiger for her child. I was, but then we have to trust the doctors to some degree. Right? HMMMMMMM!!!! We love you baby girl and know we will be with you again someday. Tons of hugs and kisses to you ALWAYS!!!!

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, and Family

Baby Ethan was laid to rest today.

2009-08-27T14:26:00.000-07:00

We said our good byes to baby Ethan today. What a beautiful service he had. His family did such a wonderful job explaining Ethan's journey and expressing the beautiful love they have for him.It brought back soooo many emotions. There were a lot of heart moms there. What a support system we all have. Heidi made a comment today that they have a whole new group of friends since they have been heart parents, and what a blessing this is. She is right. Heidi and Molly were the first moms I met in the hospital, and wow what a support system they were and still have been. They hooked me up with other moms that have lost babies. That was the best thing for me. Heidi A., (Jersey's mom) has been such a good venting post for me. I feel she understands me and I her soo well.I hope I will continue to give Heidi S., Heidi A., Molly, Melody, Liz, Holly and all the new heart moms I have just met and will meet down the road all the love and support they have shown me and my family. I met a few heart moms today that have been following Andie's blog and knew me from my pictures. That was so awesome. It was great to meet them. I hope we can all meet under different circumstances someday soon. I know all our Angel Babies are playing together right now.

We love and miss you ALL very much.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Brooke (Mommy)

Ethan's Funeral Arrangements

2009-08-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been asking me about what to send Ethan's family and about his funeral arrangements. Heidi has updated Ethan's blog with ALL the information. The blog address is: crazyskids.blogspot.com. Thanks for ALL your love and support for this fabulous family.

Love,

Brooke

Baby Ethan Has Received His Wings

2009-08-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

We regret to inform you that Baby Ethan went to be with Andie and his other Angel Friends this morning. Please pray for his family to have strength , peace and comfort.

All Our Love,

Duane & Brooke

Happy 6th Month Birthday Baby Girl!!!!!!

2009-08-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

Its hard for me to believe that our baby girl would be six months old today. Where has the time gone? Every time I see a little girl I wonder what or who Andie would look like. I wonder what she would be doing , how many teeth she would have, what foods she would like, and what phases she would be going through. Man, this completely sucks!!!! I just told Duane the other day, that I act everyday like I'm doing OK. I'm really not inside and don't think I ever will. Yes, I go on with life. Its the hurting inside that I'm talking about. Has it gotten easier? Yes and no. Yes, because you have no choice. No, because you have no choice. Confusing isn't it? You should put yourselves in our shoes. I know she knows we love her, think about her, talk to her and about her, and kiss her pictures everyday. Baby girl, I'm sure you are having a wonderful half birthday with all your angel friends.

We love and miss you tons.

Mommy, Daddy, your Brothers,your Sisters, and Family

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXO

2009-08-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

Another thing I forgot to post about, was my friend Carla's daughter Caite did a chalk drawing of Andie for her art class. I want to take the time to thank you Caite and show everyone your great work. We love it and you.

2009-08-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

Boy, people have complained about me not updating on Andie's blog, and now I'm over doing it for you all.

I have another Tennessee story to tell you. So after Andie passed away, I told the boys that if they see a butterfly or a lady bug that it is their sister letting them know she is with them. So while we were in Mississippi, Boston and my cousins kids were catching frogs. Then I here them all saying stop, don't. So I go to see what was wrong. Well Brogan is letting the frogs go. I asked him why he was doing this? He said it was Andie and they needed to let her go. I told him to stop and walked away. Then the kids came and told me he was doing it again. So I grabbed him and took him in the house for a good talking too. As were walking in the house he screams THATS MY SISTER!!!!!! So then we walked out to the car and had a little talk. I said your sister is not a frog. He said mom remember what you said. I told him if a frog was to jump by him out of the blue, it might be Andie. If you go searching for frogs, probably not. Then he said but mom frogs always turn into a prince and she is a princess. I told him I loved him, how sorry I was and we talked some more about it. I think we both understand better now.

2009-08-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

We had a good anniversary day. I didn't know what to get Duane, as we all know he has everything and if he doesn't have it he gets it. So I thought the next best thing was to plan a fun filled surprise day for us/him. So I told him we had to leave at a certain time and away we went. We first went to ride go carts. It was a blast and boy did my husband kick my butt. Then we went and each had an hour massage. That was just what we needed after our intense go cart rides. Then we came home showered and went to have dinner at Flemmings Steak House. It was sooooo yummy, but boy were we full. It was a great day. Sweetie always know how much I love you. The only thing missing today was our Angel Girl. I know she was with us though. We know she always is. We both love and miss her more than words can say. Sweetheart, I want you to know I love and appreciate you more and more everyday. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I hope you had a great time. I love you. XOXO

2009-08-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to take this time to wish my wonderful husband a Happy First Anniversary. As we all know we have had a pretty tough year. Our love has been tested in many ways. It just shows how strong our love is for each other. We are here for each other and holding on. I love you sweetie and will always love you. I'm going to keep on loving you forever and always, I promise you that!!!!!!! I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. We are going to have sooo much fun today and I cannot wait. I love you. XOXOXOXO

2009-07-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

Our trip was good. We had a great time. First of all I want to thank the boys for doing soooo well in the car. 5000 miles in 10 days is a lot of car time. I also want to thank my dad for all his help and company and my cousin Jimmy too. Then we need to extend a huge thanks to all our family in Tennessee and Mississippi for ALL their hospitality. I did a lot of the driving and the reason I bring this up is I didn't know I had it in me to drive all through the night. I have done it as a passenger before, but not as a driver. I know it had to be my little angel helping and watching over us. I was super excited to get there and then super excited to get home to my super husband. I missed him tons.

So, let me tell you the south is a completely different life style than here. Yes, I stood out as the city slicker. First of all, almost running out of gas on the way home from the mud bog show. I let the light go on thinking I had plenty of time not knowing that there was not a gas station on every corner. As a matter of fact, there was only one in the town where we were staying at, and it didn't stay open past ten, and it was eleven. I did not run out but was going to so we had to have our cousins Jimmy and Emily bring us a gas can full of gas. They thought that was pretty funny!!!!!! The kids loved the mud bogs. They got to ride in the back of the big monster truck. They thought that was the bomb!!!!! They got to play outside in the beautiful grass under the big trees all day long. They also had a swing tied to the big tree witch they loved. Our family was sooo sweet. We had a small reunion BBQ. It was a lot of fun. It was so nice that our family who we really don't know that well all knew about Andie. That's one thing about the south, their kin folk is very important to them. They asked a lot of questions and looked at her pictures. It was as if she was there with us. Which I'm sure she was.On the note of kin folk, we learned a WHOLE new vocabulary there.

kin folk-family

the law-police

red light-signal light

four way-four way stop

po po- the police

four lane- the highway

your mom-mother

your dad-daddy

grandmother-ma ma

grandfather-pa pa

everyone says-yes ma 'm

WalMart is-THE WalMart

Needless to say, we had a really good time. We hope to see them all again soon.

2009-07-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well,

We are back from TN and now Brogan is leaving for Seattle with his dad. I'm a nervous wreck. I guess I have always been protective of ALL my babies, but now even more since I lost one. Please pray he will have a safe and healthy trip and return. He literally walked out the door 15 minutes ago and I'm already a mess. Thank God my sweet husband will be home soon (earlier than expected) so he can console me and keep my mind busy. Can't wait!!!!I love and miss him sooooo much.I will post about our trip later.

I love you Brogan have a good time. Can't wait for you to get home!!!!

Love,

Mom

2009-07-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

The boys and I will be leaving this weekend for Tennessee with my dad. We are driving , so it will be an interesting and long journey. The boys are soooo excited to see their cousins again under different circumstances. They came out here for Andie's memorial. I know our Angel Baby is watching over all of us. Thank you baby girl. We were supposed to make this trip in May with Andie, so it is again another one of those bitter sweet moments. She is and ALWAYS will be with us. We all know and feel that. We miss and love you tremendously. I will miss my lovely husband soooo much too. I wish he was going with us. He is probably ready for a break, but he better be ready for all my babbling again when we get back. I love you sweetie. XOXO

I will post along the way.

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

XOXO

Happy Father's Day Daddy

2009-06-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

I just want to wish my lovely husband a Happy Father's Day! I know this is a hard one, but you deserve the best. Thank you so much for everything you do for us, me and our family. I know just one thing for sure. Andie misses and loves you as much as you love and miss her. I could tell just by the way she would look at you. Remember honey, she was completely paralyzed by meds and she opened her eyes, focused and looked right at you the day before she received her Angel Wings. That right there shows the bond and love she has for you. She was looking at you for the comfort and security knowing her daddy was there to make her feel better. I truly believe she is and always will be by your side. I made her promise me to always watch you especially while your on your bike or racing your car. Like I said in yesterday's post, she is a HERO just like her daddy. Her daddy was, is and always will be her HERO too. I hope you have a wonderful day.

We Love You,

Andie & Mommy

2009-06-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

Andie's Breast Milk

I forgot to post what we ended up doing with all the breast milk we had from the hospital. A few weeks ago I went to see Heidi (Baby Ethan's Mom) at the hospital. Ethan had to have a minor surgery. ( Minor compared to the others he has endured) She was talking about how she was not going to have enough breast milk to get Ethan through the Glenn surgery. They like the babies to have breast milk over formula after heart surgery.(If they can or have it ) She had to quit pumping a while back. I then asked her if she wanted Andie's milk? She asked me if I was serious and OK with that? I told her I would rather it go to her than to throw it away. She jumped all over it. It was such an awesome feeling for me to think that it was going to a good cause. Again Andie's Legacy lives on.

An update on Ethan

He since has had the Glenn surgery. He has had his ups and downs. He is and will be in the hospital for a while. Please continue to pray for him and his family.

2009-06-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today is Andie's four month birthday. I cannot believe how fast this has gone by. I keep believing and telling myself it's going to get easier, but it has and has not. I know we miss her more and more everyday. I can't help to think what she would be doing or how big she would be. Yesterday was a really rough day for me. I just watched a program about another baby born with a disease and he fought the odds, doctors, and meds, and he lived longer than they thought he ever would. I felt like maybe we should have taken ALL measures to see what the outcome would have been. Duane could tell I was upset, somehow he has a way of knowing me pretty well in two years especially when I'm quiet. (God and everyone knows I'm not quiet vert often) He called me in his office and asked what was wrong? I told him nothing.( because I'm trying to be strong). Then he came over, sat next to me in his office chair and said what is wrong? I just stared to cry. I told him I thought we should have tried more. He sat next to me and just hugged and kissed me and said Brooke remember what she looked like . She did not look the same at all. I know he is right, but it still tugs at my heart everyday. The comfort of Duane's strength , hugs, kisses, and understanding just makes me feel sooo much better. We just have to continue to be strong and there for each other. I know Duane hurts too, but he feels he is the rock for our family. I just want to tell you honey, that you can always come to me to vent about anything. I feel bad that you feel you have to carry all of this on your shoulders not just for you, but for our family too. You are doing a wonderful job and I love you very much . Duane said Andie passed away a HERO, well we all know where she got that from . Her Daddy. Her Daddy is my HERO too. I know she loves and misses him as much as he does her. Baby girl I'm sure you are doing wonderful and are getting so big and strong. Please always know how much we love you, care about you and miss you sooo much. Have a wonderful birthday our Little Angel Peanut Girl.

Love,

Your Mommy & Daddy

Andie's Autopsy Report

2009-06-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

Everyone wanted me to post as soon as we heard about Andie's autopsy report. The final diagnosis is PPHN (Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of a Newborn). They said they are not sure what caused it. Well I have said ALL along that her lungs had to over compensate for her heart not working for almost three days before they even put the ventilator in her. It's sooo frustrating because the team of Cardiologists at the hospital say she could not have got it that way. Well, I took the boys to see a Cardiologist last week and the new doctor said she sure could have received the PPHN from the lungs trying to over compensate for the heart. This is soooo frustrating. I asked what could have been done differently. He said with her symptoms of low Apgar scores, blue hands and feet, grunting and flaring, and a heart murmur she should have been tested right away. Then they would have went up through her groin with a balloon and opened up the Aorta. He said her outcome would have been completely different. I don't know if you all remember that Andie was paralyzed by meds for her last few days of life, so we could not tell her personality at all. We (us & the docs ) assumed that with her oxygen in her blood being soooo low for so many days in a row that she probably had some brain damage. Well I asked the infamous question to the pathologist and he told me she had NO brain damage. I just cried. I feel awful about this. It was soooo hard for me to sit , look and talk to her those last few days because I knew what was coming. I would talk to her but not as much as before because it just killed me inside. She did not look the same at all. I bet you cam imagine the guilt I feel!!!!He did say nothing was genetic, or she had no signs of any of the lung diseases that they thought she had.(I thought all along that she did not have any of these) But her lungs were very diseased from the PPHN. That is why she probably could not keep her SATS up. God Bless Her Little Heart and Lungs. She never asked for this. I have learned one thing don't ever second guess your Mother's Intuition. I knew it all along. I'm sorry baby girl. We love and miss you sooo much. XOXOXOXO

2009-06-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

June 02, 2009

I know it has been forever.

Auntie Kelly has been super busy so I think

I finally figured out how to post on the blog.

Things have been as good as to be expected.

My Mother's Day was bitter sweet. I can't

ruin it for the boys though. Boston's class

had a Mother's Day tea. It was very sweet

he made me a beautiful hat and sang very

sweet songs. Yes, it did bring tears to all

our eyes and I know a lot of the mom's kept

watching me. At the end of the tea, one little boy

in his class pointed to me and said mommy her

baby died. His mom apologized. I know she felt

terrible. But the big thing was Boston just looking

up at me with his big blue eyes. I told him it was OK.

How do you keep your kids from hurting the way we

do? I just got in my car and cried!!!! Then Brogan made

me a pot with herbs in it. Chelsea, Jessica, & Eric called

me to wish me a Happy Day. Duane's mom gave me a

beautiful locket with a picture of Andie in it. I love it!!!

I really had a nice day. I was just missing one person,

"Our Angel". Duane and I decided we were not going to

celebrate holidays this year. (Except for the kids).

I can't remember if I told you all about me finding

the little feathers in our house. I'm completely

convinced it is Andie leaving us her "Angel Wings "

to let us know she is here and she is OK.

Duane has been sooo busy lately with work.

Even though he works at home, I feel

sometimes I see very little of him. Sometimes,

I want to pull him away from the computer

just for a day so he can enjoy himself and I can

enjoy him too. He is currently traveling to Hawaii

and then Guam. Then he will be home for a week

and then go to Utah.I think he is enjoying it though.

He has a lot of good and big things going on.

Thanks babe for working so hard to provide for

our family. We love you.

The boys are out of school and our very happy about it.

Eric has left for Texas for a month. He is growing up.

Brogan will go to Tennessee for about a month and

Seattle for a week in July. Boston doesn't want to go

anywhere unless I go.

I currently have experienced another huge loss in my life.

My dear friend Lynne passed away on Saturday

May 30,2009. She was like a mother to me. I have known

Lynne since I was in 8th grade. We have always been super

close. We would talk for hours everyday. I think Duane is

really starting to see how much I talked to Lynne in a day,

because now I try and do it to him. I told her a few weeks

ago when she got really sick that there was an Angel Baby

waiting for her. Lynne was in the delivery room with me

when Andie was born. She was and is one if the best people

in my life. I hope her and Andie our together and taking

care of each other now. I miss and love you both very much.

Baby Ethan had his second surgery today. His mom said he

is doing well, but fragile. Please pray for him.

I will now continue to post weekly. I hope this finds you all well.

Brooke

I'm sorry it has been so long...

2009-05-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry it has been a while since I updated the blog.

Duane and I are doing good. We miss our Baby Angel Girl so much every minute of every day. Yes, we still have our trigger moments, and I'm sure we always will. I hope she knows how much we love and miss her. It's kind of funny how I won't kill any bug, or I talk to them because I think its Andie Girl. If the wind blows right at us, I think its Andie. I know my husband thinks I'm losing my mind, but I have to do what I have to do to keep me going. He just smiles and supports me with it. One of the new heart moms I'm now friends with said she has been waiting for a sign from her little guy. I told her you just have to take anything that happens to you throughout the day as what you want it to be or mean. That's what I do. We are now involved with a new group of friends who have heart babies and some are playing with Andie too. Its great to have the support from them too. Don't get me wrong everyone has been great, but to be able to talk to a mom who is in the same shoes I am helps a lot. She can understand my bitterness, sadness, anger, fear, depression, etc. It really does help. All in all though I would not make it without Duane. I would not want to go through this with anyone else but him. Thanks babe, I love you.

The boys are doing well.

Brogan is still very much into playing on his computer, SIMS, and getting straight A's.

Eric is really into his skateboard and video games. He has been trying out some new tricks recently.

Boston is pretty much into everything. He is definitely our jock. He is playing baseball right now and loves to slide into home plate. He was the only one on both teams to do it, now they are all trying it. Watch out Red Sox!!!!!!!! They are almost out of school for the summer. They cannot wait.

We are still collecting Beanie Babies for the hospital. We would like to keep this going as Andie's Legacy. We really appreciate all the ones we have received and are still getting. My niece's school in Tennessee has collected over 100. That is sooo awesome Thank you!!!!!!!

Our address is : 26910 N. 54th Ave. Phoenix, AZ 85083

We have not yet finalized the date for our golf tournament. I will update as soon as I find out.

I think I mentioned before about how Duane talked to Andie a lot about buying a new Challenger while we were in the hospital.. Well he did it. Please baby girl watch over your daddy while he's driving it. It goes FAST!!!!!!!! On that note, I added pictures of the newest addition to our vehicles in honor of Our Angel Girl. We love you so much Baby Girl. Please always know and feel this.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy

We Do Not Need A Special Day

2009-04-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

WE DO NOT NEED A SPECIAL DAY

We do not need a special day
To bring you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
Are very hard to find.

Each morning when we awake,
We know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heart ache
As we try to carry on.

Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.

Our thoughts are always with you,
Your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
In death we love you still.

There will always be a heartache,
And often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory
Of the days when you were here.

If tears could make a staircase,
And heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again.

We hold you close within our hearts;
And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.

Our family chain is broken now,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
~ Written by Connie Dyer, BP/USA, Springfield, IL

Andie's 2 Month Birthday Update

2009-04-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Angel Girl!!!!!!!

Today is Andie's two month birthday. I'm sure she is having a wonderful celebration with all her angel friends. We wish were celebrating with you. We miss you and love you so much.

Yes, it has been two months already. I can hardly believe it. I watched Andie's birth video for the first time this weekend. It is sooo beautiful. I really held my composure. I was just so excited to see her and get to hear her cry again. I told Duane, the whole thing is awful and we will always be sad. The only thing we can do is celebrate her life and savor all the moments we had with her. I know someday we will be with her again.

All is going well on the home front. I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't have so much time to think. I went to get Andie's birth certificate and to the hospital this week. I got to see baby Ethan and his mom, Heidi. It was great seeing them. Ethan is doing well and getting ready for his next surgery. I also got ALL of Andie's medical records. All 470 pages. That's only for three weeks, can you imagine some of the other babies charts in there.

I'm planning a charity golf tournament in Andie's honor for June 20, 2009. If anyone is interested please let us know. I will have more info by the end of this week. If anyone is coming from out of town, I'm going to try to block some rooms.

The boys are doing well, they are ready for summer break. They only have one month to go. Can you believe it? Brogan is going to Tennessee again and Eric is going to Texas. Boston is still too young to stay away that long. So he will be bored with us while they are gone.

As for Duane and I , we are doing really well. (as well as expected) I think we are really trying to be strong, and be there for each other. We think about our angel every moment of everyday. We can't help to think about how it would be if Andie was still with us physically. How it it would be just doing daily activities. Such as, I was helping Duane do yard work yesterday. I was wondering if I would even be helping him if Andie was here. Our community had a picnic yesterday, and I ran into a friend who had a baby girl a week after Andie, I wanted to see the baby, and see how big Andie would be now. The other baby started 4lbs. bigger than Andie, but I kind of got the idea. It just breaks my heart every minute of every day. I honestly couldn't even get into being at the picnic at all. It's stuff like that, that is really hard too. We are really trying to keep ourselves busy. We recently painted Duane's office. It looks great!!!! I think he is very happy with it. We are also spending a lot of time together and doing things with some of our friends. I'm sure there are days when Duane wished I had a lot more stuff to do. I'm sure I drive him crazy sometimes. I really enjoy our time together, we just wish our baby angel girl was with us too. We know she is. We get signs from her to let us know she is here. I really believe that. Like I said we will see her again someday. I asked her to save us a seat. We love our baby girl.

Oh Yeah, speaking of the greatest husband ever, you should see the book Duane made for me all about our angel girl. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I wish there was a way I could put it on the blog. It is the best baby book anyone could ever ask for. Thanks sweetheart, you truly are the best. I love you very much.

We need to give a HUGE shout out and thanks to our niece Kassy. She did a jump rope contest at school for the American Heart Association and jumped in Andie's honor. She raised the most money and won. She got to be in their local newspaper in TN. They are also talking about Andie's story. We are very proud of you Kassy. I know your cousin is very grateful for what you did. (We will put the article on the blog as soon as we get it.)

Again, Thanks to everyone for all your love and support.

Duane, Brooke & Family

This was made for Andie's Papa.

Tuesday Update

2009-04-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one month since Andie received her Angel wings. It completely sucks. (There is that word I hate again.) Sorry!!!!!! Everything we do we can't help to think how it would be if Our Angel was here with us physically. She is with us spiritually, we know it. We talk to her everyday. We miss her more and more everyday. I guess were getting through as good as to be expected.

All I know is I could not go through this without my wonderful husband. All I ever wanted was a man in my life who would always be there for me. Someone who would wipe my tears away and kiss me to let me know things will be okay. I wanted someone who would say all the right things and protect me from all the bad and confirm all the good. I have that in my husband. Don't get me wrong we have our issues at times, everyone does. He has all the qualities in a man, husband, partner, and best friend that I always wanted and needed in my life.

I think we all forget sometimes to take time and really appreciate the ones we love the most. So sweetheart, its a horrible thing that has happened in our lives. I would never want to go through this with anyone else but you. You are a wonderful person. You are my forever true love. Because of that love, we created a beautiful baby girl. Thank you and I love you!!!!!

I Love You,
Me
XOXO

Good Friday

2009-04-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't blogged all week. It was an OK week. I only had one little breakdown. I just can't believe the kindness of everyone. It just overwhelms me sometimes. This week a very kind mom from the kids school came to our house to bring us a beanie baby, some gift cards for dinner and movies, and a very warm and heart filled letter. I read it after she left and then read it to my sister and we both just cried. It brings tears to my eyes just writing this. Thank you Heather, I hope we can continue to be friends.

I also received a beautiful Angel from Cindy (the school secretary). She has been such great support and a great friend through all of this. Thanks Cindy.

Missy brought us the most adorable beanie baby, and a beautiful and encouraging letter. Thank you Missy for ALL the love and support you give our family. ALL of our neighbors have been really supportive through all of this. We thank you for that.

Every time I get a phone call, beanies, letters, etc. I call my sister. I seem to share it all with her. We laugh, cry, or she just listens.

On that note I need to share something from my heart. I know my sister and I have been through a lot in our years. We have lived together, traveled together, shared our babies deliveries together, shared our families together, and had some major falling outs, etc. But I have never felt closer to my sister as I do now.

She really came to bat for us through all of this. She started Andie's blog so we could keep everyone up to date on what was going on. That was a lot of work plus trying to run my moms business so my mom could be here helping with the boys. Then Kelly flew out here to at first help with the boys, then Andie received her wings so she helped with all the arrangements and planning.

My sister then did the most honorable thing a sister could do. I really wanted Andie to be in certain clothes before she was cremated. I asked Kelly if she would go to the funeral home and do this for me. She never even hesitated and just said yes. So she went with her best friend Leslie and did this for me.

She came home and told me to stand up, I did and she gave me a huge kiss on the cheek I asked if that was Andie and she said yes. Then we both cried. She told me that they prayed, dressed Andie, kissed Andie, talked to Andie and just held her for a while. Remember this is the only time Kelly has seen Andie except for pictures. Kelly told me that she looked absolutely Angelic.

I know Andie was with her auntie the whole time. I think it takes an Angel being with an Angel to do what my sister did for me. I really couldn't wait for Andie to meet her Auntie Kelly. I know they would have been close. Thank you sis for being such a great sister, auntie, and friend. I love you very much.

Your Big Sis

Weekend Update

2009-04-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

This was a pretty good weekend. Duane and I took sometime to ourselves and rode the bike to West World for AZ bike week. It was fun, but kind of a cold ride. All I could think about was Andie the WHOLE time. While we were driving there, the sky looked as blue as it did the day we let her balloons go to her in Heaven.

We saw some very interesting people there. We went with Joanne and Rick. It was great hanging out with them. Thanks guys for keeping us busy.

On the way home I put my head in Duane's back and just started crying. All I could think about was going home to our house, and Andie was not there. I wished she was there with her Grandma watching her while we were gone and having to rush home to feed her. I talked to her and cried the whole way to the restaurant. Poor Duane probably thought what is she doing back there. He was awesome though.

When we got to the restaurant he asked if I was ok and gave me a hug. I told him its not fair we did not get to experience everyday life with Our Angel. He said I know and told me he loved me. If thats not support, I don't know what is. Thanks baby. I love you sooo much.

Me
XOXO

People say we are so strong and seem to be doing well. Like I told my friend Joanne this weekend, its like we are wearing a mask and most people have no clue what we are really going through. Nobody knows except people in our same shoes.

So are we doing well? We are living. We hurt inside ALL the time. Most of the time we mask it, and then sometimes we have a breakdown moment. People say things to us like I know we lost our mom, dad, grandmother, siblings. With all do respect, I Know that's painful but not as painful as losing a child.

We think about her everyday-all day. Everything we do we think about what if she was here. My body is still healing not just emotionally, but physically also. My body is still producing milk to feed our baby we don't have. I'm not trying to get a pity party, but people ask so here it is. I kiss her picture everyday and night. We talk to her and hold on to ALL the moments we shared together.

Last night I was laying in bed and thinking of me rubbing her head with my fingers and nose to get her to sleep, her holding our fingers, or the time I got to hold her when she got her vent out. We hold onto it all. I guess the bottom line is is totally completely sucks. (I hate that word) But it does.

I asked Duane last night, how do we live without her? I guess it goes back to what Gary told us. It goes from being a steak knife to a butter knife. The pain is ALWAYS there just over time it becomes more dull. So most of you see or talk to us everyday. Do you see or feel this pain from us? Probably not because of the mask. We thank you all for being there and lending an ear. It does help.

We love and miss you with every ounce of our hearts and souls Angel Girl.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy

We got the most adorable gift Friday from baby Lewis, his mommy and daddy. By the way, he is home and doing well. I know our Little Angel is watching him too. Thank you so much for thinking of us and our Angel Girl. She has soooo many heart friends now. Some with her in Heaven and some here who she is watching over. We ALL know she has a wonderful heart. We love and miss you bunches Baby Girl.

Thursday Update

2009-04-02T21:01:00.001-07:00

My Little Angel Peanut Girl would have been six weeks old today.
Oh, how we miss and love you so. You would have been smiling at us by now.I know you are smiling down on us right now, knowing how much we love, miss and care about you.
I went to SAMS Club today and saw the most adorable summer outfit for our Angel Girl. I wanted to buy it, and I almost did. Instead I bought a dozen of the most beautiful pink roses in your honor. Happy six week birthday baby girl.We love you so much.

Love,
Mommy & Daddy

P.S. I also posted an update from Wednesday below!

Update from Wednesday

2009-04-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

Well,
We did it. We went to the hospital today.This is the first time since Andie received her wings. It went better than we thought it would. It was still very hard, especially seeing someone else in her room. But we know Our Precious Angel is watching over all her friends at the hospital now. It was so wonderful to see our hospital family again.

We got to see baby Ethan and he is doing wonderful and may be going home on Friday am. Please continue to pray for him and his well being. I want to thank Heidi (Ethan's Mom) for my beautiful necklace. Here is a picture of it. It means so much to me.

I also want to thank Heidi Skidmore for introducing me to Heidi Anderson who called me tonight. I just hung up the phone with her. Isn't it strange how God has a way of bringing people in your life when you need them the most. I have been in such a funk the last two days of replaying things in my head and ALL the what ifs. So tonight Heidi Anderson called me and talked to me for awhile and it helped me soooooo much. It was great hearing her wonderful stories about their precious Jersey and it was great sharing our stories of our precious little Andie. Thanks again for listening. I can't wait to meet you in person next week.

We did take ALL the beanie babies to the hospital and boy what perfect timing. They were all out of them. You should have seen the looks on all their faces as we walked through the double doors. They couldn't believe it, and were sooo appreciative. Andie girl your legacy is on. We love you baby girl.

We also want to let Danyele and her family know we gave the nurses your pictures you drew for them. They loved them and were going to hang them up. Here are some pics of some of the nurses with them. Thank you again for posting on your blog about Andie's Legacy.You guys are soooo awesome. We love you all.

Love,
Duane, Brooke and Family

One of those nights...

2009-04-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

Boy tonight has been one of those nights. I think about Andie everyday, but tonight was a rough one. I kept replaying things in my head. Thinking of things we or the doctors could have done differently. Just wanting her in our house and in our arms. I know its always going to be this way.

I want to thank my husband for being so understanding and listening. I know its harder for him to talk and listen about it. I think this poem is perfect for dads in our situation. I got this off another blog from a family in our same situation. God Bless our Baby Angels who are playing together right now.

Tomorrow we are going to the hospital to deliver Andie's Legacy of Beanie Babies. We have around 450 right now. We will keep delivering them as long as they will take them. I'm nervous, but I know my Little Angel Peanut Girl will help me be strong. As God and everyone knows she is stronger than any of us to endure what she went through.

We will ALWAYS love and miss you Baby Girl. Thank you for your strength. You get that from your daddy. He gives me strength too. So I dedicate this poem to him for I know he is our rock and does the best he can to cope for ALL of us.
We love you daddy.

Love,
Mommy and Andie

A Father's Grief
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. Bill Cosby

Beanies for Andie

2009-03-31T12:55:00.000-07:00

We have been meaning to get around to this and I am so glad that Danyele at A Thorn Among Roses decided to encourage the bloggy world to get involved and send Beanies to Duane & Brooke.

Here are a couple of her kids making pictures for the hospital staff. Too sweet, huh?!

With that I encourage you to do the same. And I thought it would be neat if you took a picture of yourself with the Beanies that you bless Duane & Brooke with. So we can post them here and show who's sending them in!

Let's help Duane & Brooke with this part of Andie's legacy. And flood them with Andie's Angels to take to the hospital to bless the other babies that need Beanies as part of their care!

Send to:
Duane & Brooke Paulus
26910 North 54th Avenue
Phoenix, AZ 85083

THANK YOU~

Update with Memorial Pictures

2009-03-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long time since we have posted on our blog. As you all know it has been very hard for us since Andie's passing. We miss her soooo much. I still can't beleive it and keep hoping I went into a coma during labor and when I come out she will be laying beside me. No one can understand the pain of losing a child unless you have been through it. I know she is with us all the time and she knows how much she is missed and loved. I miss my little angel peanut girl.

We have had sooo much support from friends, family, and people all over the world. You would not beleive all the beanie babies in our house. We probably have around 450right now and I know more are coming. We are going to take them to the hospital this week. We will keep taking them there forever. This is Andie's Legacy. We will call them Andie's Angels. As we all know she is a very special angel.

I cannot begin to thank all of you for the cards, food, comments on the blog, prayers, beanie babies, and just being there. I hope one day I can talk to you all and thank you in person.

Somethings I have learned through this whole process, you never realize how many sick babies there are or how many people are going through what we are when you are not close to the situation. Now we hear from people everyday that are in our shoes. It is sooo sad, but there is nobody better to talk to than someone who can understand what you are feeling. I have to thank all our friends, family, and neighbors from all of the listening ears they have lent for hours on hours and the same thing over and over again. You guys have been awesome. I know we give some a real ear full (you know who you are) Thanks sooo much for being such a great Life Coach for us. We have also learned who our real friends are. I have never seen sooo much support and out reach as we have recieved from our friends. In my eyes, they are now our family not just friends.

Another thing I have learned is grieving does some wierd stuff to you. Somedays you feel like you are just sad, then you are mad, then you have it together for a day then one day it ALL hits at once. I had a few days like this. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I felt lost and wanted to find where I was going. I hated it. I wanted to be ok and strong, but I honestly had no control of my emotions. I was sad, angry, hurt, resentful, blamed myself, on top of the fact that my body was still healing and nourishing milk to nurture our baby girl. No wonder I felt so crazy inside. Then my poor husband got to see me crying uncontrollably, wanting to talk for hours and then I was bringing him with me. Then I felt I was losing him so it made me more crazy and want to hold on to him more. I felt like I lost one precious thing in my life, I don't want to lose another. I finally told myself I had to get it together. I put myself through my own therapy. Jessica came into town with her new baby who was two weeks older than Andie, at first I didn't think I could see him . I did it and even held him. They also made me go to dinner. I'm not so hip to the public thing yet. You see a lot of babies everywhere you go. I'm doing it slowly but surely. Then last Monday was the kids first day back to school, and I went and saw people I had not seen yet. It was good and sad at the same time. I saw and spoke with two ladies in our nieghborhood that had babies a week before and after Andie, and saw their babies too. Its all baby step therapy for me. I know this is hard on everyone, but I think its harder for the mom because of all the above reasons. Plus they say twins are so connected, we carry a baby in our body for 10 lunar months how are we not a little more connected to our babies then the outside world. I actually got on Andie's blog for the first time since we were in the hospital the other night and read some of her daily progress,looked at her pictures(which made me miss her even more), and even listened to the music. Then I decided to look at her picutres from when we said our good-byes. I don't know why I just wanted to see her. I think again its baby step therapy for me. We have a big picture of her on our wall and I kiss and talk to her everyday. The other day there was a moth on Duane's office door, and I got about an inch from it and said is that you? Yes, I'm now talking to bugs. That moth stayed in our house for two days. I have not seen it since. The other day Boston had a lady bug on his hand I told him it was his sister. He just looked at me. Yes, they all think I'm crazy. The boys are doing well just trying to get back on track. Someone asked me the other day if everything is going as planned. I said no nothing is going the way I want it to be right now. I want Andie physically with us. I know she will always be with us spiritually. So we are trying to get back to as normal as it can be.

As far as Duane he is probably got it the most together. I guess he is the rock for our family. I know he is still hurting very badly inside. But he is holding it together. I know if Andie was still with us physically her and her daddy would be very close. When we were at the hospital, she would look at him from her bed with such love in her eyes, and the time she grabbed his nose was perfect. All the times her daddy would start his chopper when I was pregnant, she never jumped once. I always told Duane she was going to be his chopper girl. She would be right by his side whenever he was in the garage. I know she is still by him always. Andie Grace please watch over your daddy today while he rides his chopper. Enjoy your ride baby girl while your by your daddy's side. Happy Birthday Daddy!!!!!!!!!!

All in all we are getting through day by day. We will never forget and always miss her. Like a very good friend said to me recently who has been through the same thing. It goes from being a steak knife to a butter knife. It always hurts, the pain just gets a little more dull. I will keep blogging from now on. People have been asking me too. Again, more therapy for me.

Please keep praying for ALL the sick babies. Updates: Baby Ethan is still in the hospital, but doing well. Baby Lewis went home the day of Andie's memorial. It looks like baby Jonah is going home too. Praise God to these an ALL the babies. I know they all have another Angel watching over them.

Brooke

Andie's Eulogy

2009-03-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

Written so beautifully by her Daddy.

Andie’s life may have been short lived, but the impact she left on us, and so many others that will never even know her - will live on forever.

Andie was, and still is, a wanted baby. We were very excited to know she was coming into this world to have us – as a family with our other children – Jessica, Chelsea, Brogan, Eric and Boston. We never knew we would be tested in this manner. But we know she has a purpose from God. A purpose that we can only admire as her parents.

Usually in this case of someone passing away – the speaker would have years to reflect upon, and know what to say about there loved one. We only had three weeks to know who our little girl was and who she was supposed to be.

In those three weeks we found out she would awake in the middle of the night – so I could get up and find her looking around for us to come and talk to her. I would tell her mommy - and that gave us the time to speak with her. We knew she would raise her hand around during the day to say – “hey, I’m over here, Come see me”.

We learned how she liked to hold onto our fingers while our hands were in the crib. We learned how she loved having her head stroked by her mommy to make her fall asleep. We learned she like having her mommy read her books and as she looked at the pictures. We learned she loved to grab her breathing tube and scare the nurses, making them think she was going to pull it out. But her mommy and I knew it was a something she held onto and she wouldn’t pull it out. We learned what side she liked to lay on - her left side. We learned she like to grab my nose when I put my face near hers. We learned she had big round blue eyes like her mommy and the chins of her daddy. We learned how much she enjoyed listening to Celine Dion. We learned when she would be awake and when she slept. We learned she liked playing with one of her tubes with her feet. She would always have one tube between her big and second toe.

What did we learn from her? -

I know she brought her family closer. Her mommy and daddy. Her brothers and sisters, Her grandparents, uncle and aunts, and so on. I never met most of Brooke’s family that’s here with us now for this occasion. But as Brooke said – we have gathered for the wrong reason. We should be gathering together to bring Andie home for everyone to meet.

I know she taught us the meaning of gratitude towards our family. We thank our family for being with us everyday at the hospital – showing us your support. We love you and words cannot share our thanks for you.

I know she impacted the world with her developments everyday. Almost 40,000 people learned about our Andie just through her blog. I want to thank Brooke’s sister Kelly for starting Andie’s blog. It took so much pressure off of Brooke and I – so we wouldn’t have to repeat her progress every five minutes. We are still amazed at the number of emails we receive daily from people around the world showing their sympathy and support during this time.

I know she touched the staff at the hospital where she spent her life. I’m not saying that the other children on that floor don’t impact the staff. But I know that Andie has touched their hearts like she was the only child there. And they made us feel Andie was their only patient on the floor.

I know that Andie has placed the grace of giving into the hearts of so many.

I know she was an educator. She taught us the meaning of unity. How so many people could unite with us during this time? She showed us you don’t need to know someone to understand that they care.We know the meaning of giving and what the word support means. She taught us that there are people out there that put others in front of themselves.

We know she taught us the blessings her mother and I have in front of us. The true meaning of friendship. How our friends could come to our rescue during this time to cry with, to lean on, to laugh with and to have them there to listen to us whenever we needed someone to talk to.

We know she taught us that we are not the only ones to lose a child. That we have others close to us – that have lost a child too. And brought them to us to lean on. Because of the many of friends and family we have leaned on, no one can truly know what we are going through except the ones that have been in our same shoes. Our hearts go out to them.

There are so many other things our little Andie has taught us, showed us, opened our eyes to, and how to have strength.

Andie fought a fight that we could not imagine anyone going through. To see what Andie had to endure during her time, it has opened our eyes to the word strength. Even though most of the time she rested calmly – she would awaken and look at us with a sparkle in her eye. Sometimes we could see her give us a smile through all her tubes and wires that was treating her. I could never imagine myself being that strong.

I was compelled to write shortly after Andie passed away. Brooke and I held her and talked to her while she passed away in our arms. It’s a moment we will always have in our hearts. We told her how much we loved her, how proud we were of her, how strong she was, and how sorry we were.

But after we laid her back in her crib, Brooke got her dressed. I had a moment to sit down and felt like I needed to share with the huge family from around the world Andie created during the short time she was here – that she had passed away. I wrote that even though she was here for only 3 weeks, we loved her like she’s been here for 300 years.

I said - We will always love her and miss her like no other. She is very special to us and to everyone that has met her, and has a purpose that only God knows. We are not angry but sad we couldn't share our life with her here. She is so beautiful and has a special presence that surrounds her. We know that she will be in heaven waiting for us. She will always be with us in spirit watching over us.We told our boys that she is with us – and even though they may be too young to understand. One day they they’ll know. Andie will talk to them when they least expect it.

I know Andie will be by Brooke’s side everyday and wants her mommy to be strong and understand her purpose. Brooke spent everyday with Andie and was not going to come home without her. She felt it wasn’t fair for her to come home without Andie. I admire Brooke for being Andie’s mommy.I wrote this from my heart but I could not have wrote this without Brooke. She has given me the strength to write this from the both of us.

So how do I end this talk? I end it with what I know about Andie. I know Andie died in a way that is honorable, courageous, valiant, and unselfish. Because Andie didn’t have a textbook condition – the doctors learned new treatments that will benefit so many children going forward. She will save thousand upon thousands of lives from what the doctors have learned from her treatment.

With that being said I can only end this saying the one thing for sure Andie has taught us...

Andie passed away a hero.

2009-03-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

Memorial Service

2009-03-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

We will be conducting a memorial service for our precious angel Andie Grace.

Date: Wednesday March 18, 2008
Time: 4:00 PM
Location: The Church of Latter Day Saints - 5104 W. Pinnacle Peak Rd. Phoenix, Arizona

We would like to Thank Bishop Day and his church for offering their services and location for us during this difficult time.

When Andie was in the hospital, they used Beanie Babies for various treatments in caring for the babies on the floor. They are continually seeking more. In lieu of flowers please send/bring Beanie Babies for us to donate to the hospital.

26910 N. 54th Ave.
Phoenix, AZ 85083

Our angel is missed and will be missed always, please join us for her memorial service.

Duane & Brooke Paulus

Update

2009-03-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that we can not thank you enough for the love & support during this difficult time.

A lot of family has arrived at Duane & Brooke's. It is nice to be together, but as Brooke said, it is for the wrong reason.

Duane & Brooke are doing as well as can be expected. The family, friends, neighbors and kids coming in & out help keep their minds preoccupied. At least for some time.

Thank you to those who have blessed our family with food. WOW. The food has been amazing. And plentiful.

The service details should be finalized tomorrow. I will update as soon as I know all of that.

Again, we can not thank everyone enough for extending themselves through this blog or showing up & giving a hug, kind words, and food.

God bless you.
Auntie Kelly & Family

In the arms of Jesus.

2009-03-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

What does a dad say in time like this. Today Brooke and I held Andie while she passed away in our arms. The staff is preparing her right now for I don't know what's next, so I know this will be the only time I have to write. And this helps me get through this.

Even though she was only here for 3 weeks, we loved her like she's been with us for 300 years. We will always love her and miss her like no other. She is very special to us and everyone that has met her, and has a purpose that only God knows. We are not angry but sad we couldn't share our life with her here. She is so beautiful and has a special presence that surrounds her. We know that she will be in heaven waiting for us. She will always be with us in spirit watching over us.

We said our goodbyes with the strength of our family and friends at the hospital. I'm not sure what's next but somehow we'll manage to get through this. Parents are not supposed to be in this position.

Please take this time to reflect why we have children and show them how much you love and appreciate them. We will go home to our boys and tell them Andie passed away. They don't know at this point, but we'll figure out the right words. I am sorry Jessica and Eric never had the opportunity to meet her.

Brooke and I would personally like to thank everyone that has given us their support during this time. We could not have got through this without the network of support of that developed from this time in our life. We were amazed at the people who came out to help us, people from my work that prayed along side me and gave me the time to deal with this, and for everyone that I missed in thanking - please know you are not forgotten. And for the support from our family who has helped us through this time and the time that will be in front of us.

I love you my precious angel and miss you already. I'm sorry mommy couldn't put the headbands on you that she so carefully and joyfully picked out for you.

Daddy

Friday Morning.

2009-03-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

Auntie Kelly again.

I spoke with Brooke this morning. Andie's saturation is hovering in the mid 70's. And her blood/ox level is in the high 30's.

The kids and I will be leaving for Phoenix tomorrow afternoon. We are more than thankful for the provision for us to be able to go. Please pray for traveling mercies. We have to drive 3 hours to catch our flight out of Nashville.

I am at a loss of words this morning. (surprising to my family, I'm sure!)

So, I encourage you to hold onto Jesus with His words.

LORD, don't hold back your tender mercies from me. My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness. Psalm 40:11

Thursday Update

2009-03-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote saying how Andie took a turn south. Well, lets just say that we feel like we're at ground zero again.

Andie stats continued to spiral down during the course of the night. The night doctor had the luck of putting two new IV's in. One in her arm and the second in her neck. The reason why they put the new IV in was because they felt that the one in her left leg was old and possibly getting infected. Also the left leg had started to leak. We felt maybe that's one of the reason why Andie was not coming back to her normal stats like before. We had in the past an IV leaking and once it was replaced she shot right back up to her normal stats.

After the new IV's were put in all the pumps and tubes on the tree of life had to be replaced. Which the night nurse changed out. It took most of her shift to do the deed. But after all her hard work, Andie's stats never really improved but rather crept down slowly.

In the morning Brooke and I looked at Andie and started to look at each other. We knew something just wasn't right with her. Andie was looking pale and gray. Not the right look in the condition she's in. We also realized that we have to accept the reality of how sick Andie actually is. It's a conversation that we didn't want to have, but had to. In the past whenever one of us was down, the other would support the other with words of encouragement. But this morning was different.

We spoke to the day nurse who has been with us since day 1. She knows Andie and has been there through the best and the worst of times. I mentioned to her that we should have a meeting with all the doctors involved which she said "I think that would be best at this time". So we met - the staff dr., the cardiologist, the pulmonologist, the nurse and the hospital social services director.

We had a few hours to wait before all the doctors could meet together. It's very hard to get their schedule to meet for such a meeting, but they did. It felt like forever before we met with them. Brooke and I discussed everything we wanted to talk about. Our mothers came in and immediately fell into our sadness of the reality in front of us. Let's just say it was a very emotional morning.

When we met with the doctors I was first amazed how strong Brooke and I actually were for this conversation. It's a conversation that no parent wants to have with a medical professional in regards to their child. The doctors knew why we wanted the meeting and they started with saying that they have exhausted their toolbox of solutions in helping her hypertension. in fact they had two colleagues from around the US that they had calls into for any advice on something they could try. We know the doctors have tried everything and they've been very patient with us with all the questions we pose to them every day. But they are just as baffled as we are. Probably more so because they know what they're doing. They did suggest that Andie may have Peripheral Vascular Occlusive Disease. Its a very rare disease and is not the best to have. But if so, then this would explain why she has gone south the times she has. But we're hopeful that she is just stubborn and has PPHN. We discussed other topics and options that are personal so I won't go into any further details on the meeting.

After the meeting I went home for a couple of hours. Got some new clothes and did a couple quick chores around the house. When I came back to the hospital there was a crowd in Andie's room. The pulmonologist had an idea to put one of medication that helps relieving stress on the vessels directly into her breathing tube. The amazement was her stats improved and her color started coming back. So at this point we (I mean they) are trying something new out of the ordinary. But so far it seems to be working. Where this takes her, we just don't know at this point. But we're hopeful.

It's been a few hours since the enabilizer was introduced with the milrinone and she started her SAT in the high 90%. She has dropped into the mid 80%. But we just don't know what this means. The staff is still trying different variations of her meds hoping to get that right dosage. We pray for a smooth night. I think we all need it here and we could use some decent sleep for a change. We're used to the chimes of the medical equipment and know the good beeps to the bad beeps.

I miss waking up at 3:00 AM and checking Andie and seeing her big eyes looking around. I would always wake up Brooke and we would talk to her. But now she is heavily sedated to keep her calm and help her heal.

Duane

Thursday Morning.

2009-03-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

This is Auntie Kelly.

I just spoke with Brooke. Please, please pray for Andie today.

Her SAT is not where they want it to be. I do not know what to say without sounding negative. But the reality is that she is not doing real good this morning.

Bless her little body, Dear Lord. Continue to give her the strength to keep fighting.
Help her body to get stronger & stronger. She has been here before. And we saw Your hands bring her out of it. We trust you to do the same thing. Comfort her parents. Sustain them. Bless the doctors and nurses with the knowlede to care for her. I pray this in the name of Jesus. Our comfortor, healer and all-in-all.
Amen.

Setback-Wednesday Evening

2009-03-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

I know the blog has not been kept up over the past couple of days. So I'll try to recap what's been going on.

Monday there was a stir in the air that Andie was going to come off the respirator. Her stats were doing well, her meds where down, her blood/oxygen SAT was in the high 90's and even in at 100% for most of the weekend and Monday daytime. Discussions were conversed between us and the medical staff about extubating her.

In fact Andie was getting very agitated and showing signs of discomfort with the tube in her mouth. Shortly after shift change we met with the Dr and he said we should remove it and see how she does. So around 6:00 PM the tubes came out of her mouth. Brooke had to leave the room and looked at her friends for support in the waiting room. I stayed in the room to watch the removal the breathing tube. I was amazed on just how fast the tube was removed. It didn't seem to bother Andie one bit that it was taken out. In fact she looked around once it was taken out.

After a minute or so I looked at the monitor - her stats showed great numbers. I was shocked to see just how high they went. They mentioned that she might breathe easier without the tube in her anyway. So once it was out, it did what I thought it would do. I thought her stats would go up and they did. At this point I'm thinking that things are good and maybe we've turned the corner.

Brooke was going to hold her that night but Andie was a little agitated (now keep in mind she's been off of breast milk for almost 24 hours at this point - so she has a right to be fussy) so she was swaddled up in a blanket and fell asleep. We were shocked because the last time Andie was swaddled was back at Thunderbird Hospital. Before we came here. But she liked it and was fast asleep.

Tuesday morning Brooke got to hold Andie for the first time in over 2 weeks. I could see the joy in her face looking down at Andie while they sat in the chair together. The deal was I was supposed to hold her first due to something Brooke lost to me. Probably on of our stupid bets or something. But I let her hold her in place of me. Jamie our nurse that morning did a great job keeping all of Andie's tubes and wires from not getting tangled or pulled out.

Tuesday afternoon something started to go wrong with Andie. Her stats were starting to come down. Especially her blood/oxygen SAT was looking bleak. But the funny (not really) thing was everything else about her looked good. Her skin color, her blood work - everything else looked great. But since her stats were coming down the doctors decided to put a CPAP on Andie to help with the breathing.

A CPAP is a device that hangs on your head like headgear you used to wear when you were a kid when wearing braces for your teeth. Has 2 tubes that go into the nostrils. It detects when you breath and basically injects a larger volume of air when she inhales. A burst of O2 per say.

After that CPAP was put on her I had to go home to take care of the boys. Brooke called me several times while I was out to give me Andie's stats. And they're all coming down.

In the evening they decided to intubate her one more time - so back on the respirator. Has the night rolled on so did her stats - going down. So back on the meds she was weened off of the past few days. So I went back to the hospital at almost midnight.

Today as the doctors and nurses got Andie stable again we had a discussion with the floor doctor and they decided that they'll perform a cardiac catheterization once she shows signs of stability - hopefully Friday or Monday. This will show if her heart is actually showing the correct pressures in each chamber, but more importantly. They can reduce specific medications and check the stability of her heart immediately after removing each medication, oxygen reduction and nitric reduction. Once they have this all completed they can come back and five us a full report and what we can do next in a sense of treatment for Andie.

Her stats are coming down again at this point and looks like it may be a long night. They have increased her Flolan again as well as her Fytenol. They are also giving her some more blood to help with the oygenation.

Please keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for her. We need for her to get stronger and keep her stats high.

Duane

Tuesday Evening-updated

2009-03-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

They had to re-intubate Andie not too long ago.

Please pray for Brooke. She is a ball-o-nerves. And of course, pray for Andie.

God bless you.

Tuesday Evening

2009-03-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

We have had some set backs today. She had to go on CPAP because her SATS kept dropping. She is still having a hard time on CPAP. The pressure in her lungs is back up to 95%.

This is NOT good. The pressure was in the 60's last week.

I'm thinking as her mother she was having such a hard time on the ventilator yesterday, that it threw her lungs in a tail spin.

I'm not a doctor though. So now we are raising the FLOLAN back up to 4 and raising her intake of the Viagra to 3.75. They said this could take a couple of days to a couple of weeks to get her settled down.

They just told me she is borderline to be reintubated.

Please pray for her to get over this HUGE hump. She just need to get her SATS up and her Respitory Rate to go down.

Please Please pray for this to happen for her.

Brooke

Back in her Momma's arms!

2009-03-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful blessing to see her little lips again.

Well she did pretty good last night. Her SATS would dip down to the high 80's then back to 94. She hung around 94 for most of the night. She did get a little Ativan and Morphine to help make her a little more comfy.

I was going to hold her last night, but once she was swaddled she fell right asleep. I told the nurse I just wanted her to sleep so she could get better. Needles to say, it was kind of a long night. I was sooo worried about her.

This morning after shift change, Jamie asked me if I wanted to hold her. Of course I jumped all over that. I was a little nervous with ALL the tubes. But what a joy to hold My Little Angel again.

I have not held her for two weeks. She nuzzled her little head into my chest and she just slept.

The hurdle now is to getting her to keep her SATS up and her Respitory Rate down a little.

Please God we need your help with this one too.

I will know more after we do rounds this am. I will give more of an update then.

Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated.

Love,

Brooke

*I just spoke with Brooke & she wanted me to let you know that they are going to put Andie on the CPAP. Her Sat level is just a little bit low.

Update from Monday

2009-03-10T03:43:00.000-07:00

"Look Mom, NO TUBES!"

This Monday was VERY stressful.

They told me yesterday that they might extubate her today. Well her Stats had been hanging steady at 98-100. Today they put her on the CPAP mode on her ventilator and she did good for a while, then her STATS starting dropping. They were up and down most of the day.

I was not doing well at all. At one point I think I stared off into space fo a while. I just felt we were going back again, and I was worried we were going to replay two Mondays ago. (SURGERY DAY). I just sat, stared, and prayed.

I didn't put it on the blog last night, because if they didn't do it, but then I wanted everyones extra prayers for her. So we were either going to sedate her or extubate her. Finally Dr. willis came in and said lets take it out and see how she does. So I gave her a pep talk, told her I love her and then I left the room so they could pull the tube out.

Thank God I had Okshan, Missy, and Alicia to keep me busy for a few minutes. Then Duane popped his head in the waitung room and said she did great and her SATS went back up.

Now we just need GOD to please continue to heal her and keep her SATS and numbers where they should be so she doesn't have to be reintubated.

Right now she just has oxygen through the nose. She may have to go on CPAP, which is also through the nose, but a higher flow of oxygen. Her blood gases are good, but we need to pray those stay good too.

If ALL goes well tonight, we will be able to hold her later and they will start her back on breast milk around midnight. I think this will help her feel strong again. She has been off since midnight last night.

I thank God for healing her this far and pray that he continues to heal her and give her a complete healing real soon. I know between God and ALL your prayers this is why she has done soooo well this far. Your conitnued prayers are GREATLY appreciated.

Please God continue to heal our baby Andie and watch over our boys, girls, and grandkids, too. Amen

I also want to thank Gram again for flying out and playing mom/grandma for me. She has been great! I don't think we are going to let her go back to TN. I know she has stayed with me a couple of nights and I sweat her out of the room and the bells don't let her sleep. She also sits with us and supports us through out the day. But she has been a trooper.

Thanks Mom. We Love You.

Thanks to Grandma for being with us everyday and being such a great support system.

Thanks for ALL the snacks and sitting with Andie so we can go have lunch.

Your awesome. We love you.

Praying for Andie Grace

Dirty Ghetto Kids(DGK) signing and demo

Bostons 8th B DAY (Street League 2011)

Of course we had to do the skateboard park in TN 2011

Trip to Tennessee Summer 2011T

So Much To Say!!!!!!

Please Don't Tell Me

We can't wait to hold you again!

Congratulations Chelsea! 2011 ASU Grad!!!!

Beanie Baby Drive March 2011 "Happy Birthday Andie"

"I'm just Sitting Here Missing My Baby Girl"

Miss you so much My Little Angel Peanut Girl!!!!

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Girl!! XOXO

Happy 2nd Birthday From Us All!

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Girl!! XOXO

Held by Natalie Grant - with Lyrics(Please turn off music at bottom of page first.) This song explains my feelings big time. Love Mommy XOXO

"Andie Girl"

Heart Poem... anonymous author

Andie's Journey (Go to the bottom of the blog to turn off the music first)

We miss you sooo much baby girl.

Understanding a mothers bond

" I am so missing my "Little Angel Peanut Girl".

"To Our Baby Angel Girl"

Bostons 7th B DAY

More pics from SF

Our trip to San Francisco 2010

Andie's Name in The San Francisco Sand

I miss you baby girl!!!!!!!!!

Quick Post

Heart Poem

A Year Ago Today

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

Remembering The Day Our Angel Was Born

Happy Birthday to our Little Angel Peanut Girl

Happy Birthday to our Little Angel Peanut Girl

I love this poem

Andie's Birthday

Video from the Heart Memorial at the hospital

Heart Memorial

Halloween 2009

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Andie's Birthday Walk

I Think This Would Be Good For Everyone To Read ( I Got This From Another Blog)

Results To My Blood Work!

Results To My Blood Work!

More pics from Labor Day

Labor Day!!!!!!!

More Beanies!!!!!!!

Please go to older posts to see the post that goes with these pics!!!!

Yes, more pics!!!!!

More pics from previous post!!!!!!!

Scarlett Update

Quick Post

Picture of Statue at the Hospital

We miss you sooo much baby girl.

Baby Ethan was laid to rest today.

Ethan's Funeral Arrangements

Baby Ethan Has Received His Wings

Happy 6th Month Birthday Baby Girl!!!!!!

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Andie's Autopsy Report

I'm sorry it has been so long...

We Do Not Need A Special Day

Andie's 2 Month Birthday Update

Tuesday Update

Good Friday

Weekend Update

Thursday Update

Update from Wednesday

One of those nights...

Beanies for Andie

Update with Memorial Pictures

Andie's Eulogy

Memorial Service

Update

In the arms of Jesus.

Friday Morning.